Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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