I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
