How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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