you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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