she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
