things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
