I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
