I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
