if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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