you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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