I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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