I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I think my moral compass just broke
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
