If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
