I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She even gives head with a lisp.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
