I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
