Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
