you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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