Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
