Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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