so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
