listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
