my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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