The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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