Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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