just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
