Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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