I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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