Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
