I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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