I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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