I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
