One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
