its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
