Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
