My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
