The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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