I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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