having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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