Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
