So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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