just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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