i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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