census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
