Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
