listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
