apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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