During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
