i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
