I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
