Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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