Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
