I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
