i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
