I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
