apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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