You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
